The Neverending Story

I don't know how many of you are familiar with the movie, "The NeverEnding Story". I loved that show when I was a kid- watched it over and over again.
Well, I kind of feel like I am a part of some nightmarish NeverEnding Story. Just when I see a light at the end of the tunnel, something happens to let me know that I still have a long way to go before I am done with this story and "out of the tunnel" so to speak.
I am posting this from someplace that looks like this...

but I almost didn't make it here. It's not any place really glamorous, but I have been looking forward to being here for about a month now. It was part of my birthday present. Mark is here on business and I thought it would be fun to tag along and try to take a break from reality for a little while. I would like to say that I am taking a break from cancer, but like Mary's Little Lamb, it seems to follow me wherever I go. Let me tell you a little bit about the trip that almost didn't happen- the trip that is now totally a miracle and answer to a prayer.

Mark and I were supposed to fly to Arizona on Saturday. His company has a retreat/business conference here every year. I thought it would be the perfect opportunity for me to bask in the sun and take a break from the past few months of insanity. If you read my last post, you know that the past few days have been unpleasant. I thought I was getting a little better. I met with my plastic surgeon on Friday and was hoping that she would be able to take my one remaining surgical drain out so I could lay out by the pool, but unfortunately it was still draining too much fluid so it had to stay in. Bummer. But I was ok. I still can't really lie down anyway so I can just sit by the pool in some shorts and a t-shirt instead of my swimsuit. I was still having some pain at this point, but it seemed to be lessening.
We were good to go. That is, until Friday night.

I started feeling a little feverish and my legs started aching right before bedtime. A million possibilities ran through my head, but I chalked it up to the chemo still trying to work its way out of my body. I knew that I would be getting a few chemo side effects every now and then. So I just put myself to bed. I woke up about midnight in misery. I still felt hot, but cold at the same time. (Weird, I know) The pain that I had experienced since Tuesday was back and it brought a few more friends. My whole upper body just hurt. It hurt to breath, to move, to sit still. It just hurt. Even my pain meds did not seem to be helping.

I toughed it out until 7 am and then I finally woke Mark up because I couldn't stand it any longer. I think at this point I was basically crawling on the floor to get where I needed to go. I asked him if he would call his dad to see if he could come over and help give me a blessing. I had been praying all night long and now I felt like I needed something a little stronger. I had done all that I could do and I was exhausted.
The blessing was beautiful- exactly the words I needed to hear.
I called my doctor to see what I should do. She told me to go to the ER because she was worried about it being a blood clot in my lung or a kidney infection. So we reluctantly headed to the ER. This was not how my Saturday morning was supposed to be going. I was supposed to be tying up loose ends and packing for our trip, not going to the ER.

We got to the ER and fortunately it was not too busy yet so we went right back to a room. The doctor came in to assess me and she ordered some blood tests, a chest xray and a chest CT. Oh ya, she also ordered something else...Morphine. Yes, please and thank you. I instantly felt better after that and was finally able to relax a bit. I can see how people get addicted to that stuff.
We were in the ER for about 5 hours. Fortunately they did not find a blood clot or any sign of a kidney infection. They just chalked it up to pain from the tissue expanders. The doctor prescribed some stronger pain meds and sent us on our way. Got out just in time to miss our flight to Arizona.

Mark called the airline to see what our options were. They told him there was a later flight, but he would need to call back around 5 pm when it was closer to boarding time. So we went home to finish packing. I was still in some pain, but once I had the pain meds in me, I was able to function. There was no way I was going to miss this trip.

5 pm rolled around and Mark called the airline back.
"Oh I'm sorry, but there are no seats available on that flight."
You've got to be kidding me. This can't be happening.
As Mark was talking to the woman trying to figure out any other options, she came back with some good news...1 seat had opened up. 1 seat. Saying that I was devastated would be an understatement. I knew what my option was. Mark is the one that had to be in Arizona. I did not. So with every ounce of courage I could muster I told him to just take it and cancel my ticket. Then I went into our closet and the flood gates opened. Once again, cancer had robbed me and I was angry, sad, frustrated, and did I mention I was angry? Mark heard me crying and then I heard him say to the lady, "I can't take that ticket. I can't leave my wife behind."
Cue more tears.
I appreciated his tender gesture, but now we had an even bigger problem. How do we get him to Arizona? The only option we had now was to drive and pay $300 to cancel our tickets. Not a great option considering the amount of money and the fact that a huge storm was rolling in right where we would need to be driving. We debated about what to do for about a half an hour and I finally just told him that he needed to call back and see if that 1 ticket was still available. He needed to be in Arizona. I know he was torn. He didn't want to leave me when he knew that I was so sad and hurting, but he had an obligation that needed to be fulfilled. I hated that fact that we were even facing this decision. Hadn't we been through enough the past 7 months? Didn't we deserve a break from chaos? For the first time, I was truly furious at the cancer and started down the path of wallowing in my misery. It just wasn't fair.

Here's where the miracle and answer to a prayer comes in.
Mark got back on the phone and during the time that we were discussing our options, another seat happened to open up. There were now 2 open seats on that flight, just 2.
Now I started crying again, but they were tears of joy. Tears because I knew I had just witnessed a miracle. I knew that my Father in Heaven knew how much I needed this trip. Great, now I am crying just writing this post about the experience.

I wish I could say that I am not in pain anymore, but that's not the case. It still hurts to move, to lie down or to sit still, but I have pain meds to dull the pain a little bit. I am so ready to be able to sleep in my bed like a normal person and not sitting up in a chair all night. But at least I made it on my trip. I have spent the day catching up on scrapbooks (have I mentioned how much I LOVE digital scrapbooking?), reading in my scriptures, walking around the resort and watching the Wonder Years. A HUGE, GINORMOUS THANK YOU to my wonderful mom who is staying with the munchkins while we are away. I am such a lucky gal.

I am beginning to wonder though, is having boobs really worth this pain? I am sure that a few years down the road I will be thankful that I endured the pain of this reconstructive process, but right now I am not so sure....