This Is My Life

I have debated about sharing this piece of information until I had more details, but when it comes right down to it.  I could use the positive thoughts and prayers from all of you who read my blog.  (Which is probably down to just family by now and you all already know about this, but oh well.)

I have been having some wrist pain in both of my wrists for a couple of months now.  I had chalked it up to a side effect from the medication I am taking, but it just wasn't getting any better.  Called the oncologist, he said it's probably not the meds- go see your regular doc.  Ok.  Haven't seen her in about 4 years or so.  It's probably time for a regular physical. 

Made the appointment with her PA because it would have been October before I could see her.  I had that appointment about a week and a half ago.  She did some tests on my wrists to rule out Carpal Tunnel.  (Thank goodness, I did not want to deal with that.)  She determined that I have "tennis elbow", but in my wrists for lack of a better term.  Like Tendinitis.  She gave me a brace to try for my right wrist which was giving me the most pain.  Then she completed the physical.

We were just chatting as she was checking everything, but when she started feeling the lymph nodes in my neck, she paused our conversation.

Doc:  "Hmmm, have you had a cold recently?"

Me:  "No, not since June."

Doc:  "Your lymph nodes on the right side feel a little different.  Definitely swollen.  I think, given your history, we should schedule a neck CT."

Me:  (Freaking out on the inside...calm, cool, and collected on the outside.)  "Ok.  I will give my oncologist a call because he will probably want me to have it done there."

I went in to that office expecting to come out with some pain meds, possibly a wrist brace or two and a "See you in a few months" for a follow-up.  I left the office in complete inner turmoil.  I started calling my oncologist as soon as my foot stepped off the elevator.  Then I called my husband and cried.

Fast forward to this past Wednesday (Sept 18th)- almost a week after my appt. with my regular doctor.  A week that I never wanted to have, ever again in my life. 

 A week of the unknown. 

 A week of wanting to tear the lymph nodes right out of my neck because they are weighing me down. 

 A week of panicking at every new pain or headache. 

 A week of trying to think positive.

A week of praying, pleading, and begging.

I had the neck CT done at the cancer center.  The tech was very sweet and very positive.  It really could be a multiple host of other things.  Cancer just happens to be very high on that list.  Obviously we are hoping that it is just my lymph nodes trying to process some bacteria or something simple like that.  But this is my life now.  Every time something like this happens for the rest of my life, I am going to fear that the cancer has come back.  People tell me that after 10 or 15 years, you don't panic as much.  I hope that's the case, because I don't know if I can keep having weeks like this in my life.  The unknown is torture.

The next day (Thursday the 19th), I tried to keep busy.  I had preschool and went to lunch with my mom, grandma and aunt.  I got Emma's stuff all ready for her competition that evening.  As each hour ticked by with no call from the doctor, I went back and forth.  "No news is good news, right?"  Maybe the doc hasn't seen the results yet.  Maybe this, maybe that.  Finally about 4 pm, I saw the familiar name on the caller ID.  This is it.  It wasn't my regular oncologist.  He's out of town until October 1 (great.).  But it was a doc that I have met with before and trust and like very much.  He was interested to know why the neck CT was ordered in the first place.  "Have you had a cold?"  Nope.  

Ok then this falls into a gray area.  There are two options:

Watch it and see what happens or

get a PET scan that will light up those cancer cells like fireworks in the sky.

Door number 2 please.  Let's get a definitive answer here.  There's no "watching it and see what happens" in my vocabulary.  

So I will be getting a PET scan on Tuesday.  Hopefully we will know results by Wednesday.  Trying to stay positive, but my gut keeps distracting me.  My gut says that something is going on here.  But my gut has been wrong before so let's hope that it's wrong again.