Luckiest Mom in the World

I would love to say that everything has been going beautifully since my surgery on Thursday.

I expected it to anyway.

For the most part, everything has been good.  The surgery went well, the expanders are gone, I was home that same day.  Then it was like my evil twin traded places with me.  I was so grumpy and ornery.  Everyone and everything was bothering me.  I guess the easy thing would have been to just close myself in my room for a couple of days, but I couldn't do it.  I felt restless and had to be out being grumpy and not talking nicely to everyone.

I really hate that evil twin.

I had so many people being so kind to me...friends bringing in dinner and taking our kids.  Mark willing to do anything I asked him to.  People texting me and sending me encouraging messages on Facebook.  But I still could not find it in me to be nice.  I put on a happy face when people came to visit, but after they left, happy face was gone and evil twin was back.  I know that it's not the real me.  Between the anesthesia, pain meds and general discomfort, I guess I had a few reasons to be grumpy.  But I really don't like being that way.  Especially to my family who is the whole reason I endured this past year and a half to begin with!  I was fighting this cancer to be with them!

In the midst of this grumpy cloud, I had to take a shower and it was the first time I was able to see the "new me."  Not exactly what I had pictured in my mind.  I don't know why I thought everything was going to be perfect once the expanders were out.  Sure, there is still some swelling and I won't really be able to see the final outcome for a few weeks, but it just made me mad all over again. 

Mad at this blasted cancer that took away over a year of my life.  

Mad that I have to be in pain and discomfort and be grumpy with my family.

Mad that I have to live with this "new set" which is not like the old set which I was completely happy with.

Mad that I have short hair when I want long hair.

Mad that I was being mad over what seemed like really silly, trivial things.

I would like to say that a peaceful and calm feeling overwhelmed me at that moment.  That I felt comforted in my time of need.

But it didn't.

I continued being mad for the rest of that day and the next.

The peaceful and calm did not come because I would not let it and I did not ask for it.

Some of you may be wondering at this point why I chose "Luckiest Mom in the World" for the title of this post.  This is why...

and this...

and this...

I woke up this morning to my sweet girls making breakfast for me.  (I'm sure Josh would have been right there with them, but he was having a lazy morning like his mother.)

Even after I had treated them so terribly over the past few days.  They got up and without being asked, made breakfast for their mom.

That is why I am the luckiest mom in the world.

Because I have been blessed with children that I don't deserve.  They are good to the core.  They are sweet, they are loving and forgiving.  I have been blessed with the chance to stay here and be their mom.

They don't care what my hair looks like,

what my chest looks like, 

if I am grumpy or happy or ornery or sad.

They don't care.

All they care about is the fact that they have a mom who is still here and who loves them.

Cancer has taken away a lot of things for us, but that's just it.  They are just things.

In the grand scheme of things, they are just things and they really don't matter that much.

All that matters is how we treat each other,

how we love each other, 

how we help each other,

and that we have each other to love.

Thank you to my beautiful girls who brought that sweet, peaceful feeling back into my life this morning.
You are angels sent straight from heaven to a mother who is just trying to do her best.
I am sorry for being grumpy, but tomorrow is another day and we will just keep trying to make every day a good day.  Together, we can do it.