Hero

I have this friend.

Her name is Carol and she is my hero.

This is a quote that she found that became her cancer-fighting mantra.

I love it.

The "something great" that Carol has been launched into, is not the "something great" that the rest of us had in mind.  I know it's not what she had in mind either.

She fought this horrid cancer to the bitter end and even then fought it some more because she did not want to leave her two beautiful boys, her amazing husband and countless other family members and friends that she loved so much.

But it was too much for her tired body to take and now, she does not have to suffer any more.

Which is great to say, and yes, we are definitely happy that she is not in constant pain and discomfort- but it has carved another giant hole in my heart--along with so many others--most importantly her little family.

My heart hurts for them.

Let me tell you what I know about Carol.

She is a fighter.

She is an amazing mom- actually the word amazing just does not cut it.  Phenomenal is more like it and her 2 boys are two of the strongest and sweetest little souls I know.

She is beautiful- inside and out.

She is a loyal, wonderful and true friend and I am going to miss her.

She and I had this connection.

 We just "got" each other.  Like we knew each other before this life (which I have no doubts about).

We met through the PTA at the elementary school and saw each other now and then.

When I got sick and started keeping a blog, a mutual friend told Carol about it and she became a blog stalker :)  I still saw her around, and we would chat.  I knew that she had some health issues that she was dealing with and I was always trying to get her to let me bring her a dinner or help her with something, but she would politely decline and say that things were ok.

A little over a year ago, I received this email from her.  I have debated about sharing it, because I don't want people to get the wrong impression about it and think that I am sharing it because of the way too generous things she said about me.  

I feel like I need to share it so you can see what a beautiful soul she has.  How caring she is.  How brave she is and how it's the little things that we do each day that sometimes make a huge difference in the lives of others around us---and we don't even realize it's happening.

Hi Desirae,

From my first days at Liberty I have admired you, and I am really bad with vocalizing what I am feeling, so I have never really expressed any of this to you.  But something has happened recently that has basically compelled me to write this email. 

I don't think I had ever really known about your blog before Cathy sent me a link to the video you are in.  I watched it and had a good long cry, then watched it again shortly after at Cathy's house & cried again.  Although, that is not directly what has prompted me to write this, it has a large part in it.  Since that day, your blog has randomly popped up on my tablet, and even stranger, my phone, which I never used to watch the video.  I will be on either device and just minding my own business and the page will just start reloading and your blog will pop up. I have decided this is some type of divine sign that I need to write this email. 

Shortly before I started writing this email I was checking my work schedule when my screen started to reload and your blog popped up.  Stranger still, is my work schedule is on the Google Drive app on my phone, so I didn't even have my internet open on my phone.  Anyway, I read your Beyond Tired entry and once again had a good long cry.  It was like you had written exactly how I feel as well. And that is basically what has finally brought me here.   

You have always been such an inspiration to me.  Although we have both gone through different fights, every time I have felt like just giving up and laying in bed all day and finally letting the enemy win, I would hear your name at school, or see you somewhere, and I would think, if she can go through all of that, and still live life with a smile on her face, I can as well.  There was one particular day that has always stood out in my mind.  I was at Shopko, and it was one of those days when I felt like just giving up, a REALLY bad day, definitely in my top 10 of bad days.  I was at the checkout, thinking about how I was just going to head straight home and give up on everything I was supposed to do that day, when I looked over and saw you, with a beautiful scarf on your head, with your cute girls, and a huge smile on your face, and it totally turned my day around.  I actually got more done that day than I had planned! That day is something that has popped into my head on the bad days more times than I can count. 

Through everything I went through this fall, you were with me even though you didn't know it.  When they gave me low doses of chemo to kill my immune system and I didn't even want to move, let alone get out of bed, I would think of you, and the fact that I don't think I have ever seen you without a smile on your face.  Every time I have heard "cancer" from my doctors, I have thought of you and decided I can get through this too.  When I was facing a total colostomy, and had decided my world was going to end, I talked to you at trunk or treat and my entire outlook changed (Which I credit for the fact that I am not living my life with a bag strapped to me).  Every time something would pop up I would think, if she could get through all she did, I can get over this little hill.

You are absolutely my hero, and have been for quite some time, and I just feel like it is time I let you know that.  You have quite literally saved my life more times than I can count, even though you were not aware of it.  So, thank you, thank you, thank you a billion times.  I don't think I could ever put into words how grateful I am for you.  So, thank you for being such an amazing inspiration, and such an incredible woman.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart,
Carol Kraft

I did not see her in Shopko that day.

I had no idea that my blog entry that I wrote selfishly as an outlet for my frustrations had touched her in that way.

I had no idea that these simple, little, every day things I was doing was helping her fight her battles.

She also had no idea that this email that she took the time to write came to me at a time when I was down and a bit depressed.  When I was wondering if I was really doing the things in my life that I needed to be doing.  If I was really making a difference at all beyond my little family.  When I was tired  of being tired and ready to throw in the towel.

We are all connected in this world and beyond.

We are here to help each other.

To lift each other up.

Even, and especially, when we don't know we're doing it.

Carol Kraft- from one "hero" to another- thank you for being you.

Thank you for being my friend.

Thank you for making your mark on my heart.

I love you and I cannot wait until we can see each other again.

I promise I will do all that I can to help your munchkins.  They are in very capable hands with your husband who loves you and them so much, and I know that the things you taught them and the love you gave them will carry them far in this life.

Until we meet again my amazing friend....

Love-