Therapy Session

**CAUTION**  VERY LENGTHY POST AHEAD.  MAKE YOURSELF COMFORTABLE.

It has been a tough week or two for this cancer survivor.

Having lost a dear friend, knowing that other friends are struggling in the midst of treatment, and hearing of even more cancer deaths (from recurrences) this week- I am pretty much "cancered-out."

I have tried not to think about it.

There was a time not so long ago when cancer consumed me- physically and emotionally.

It was all I could think about because I was trying to destroy it.

But cancer is always- and will always- be there.  In the very back corners of my mind.  

Waiting.

Lurking.

Ready to pounce when I least expect it.

I feel as though I will never be truly free.

Maybe someday that will change.  Definitely with each passing day, week, month, year- I can push it further and further into the very deepest and darkest corners of my brain.

But it will always be there.

Not only do I write this post as a therapy session for me, I continue to write for those that share this cancer experience with me.  So that they can know what it's like to be on this side of the mountain.  Maybe I am the only one who experience these sometimes debilitating days, where the fear and panic of it coming back cripples me.  But I don't think so.  I think that every cancer survivor goes through this period of survivorship because we've been there.  We know what treatment entails and it's not pretty and we don't ever want to go back there.

But we would if we had to.

When I had my first scare (and I say first, because there will be more), I was freaking out.

More so than with my original diagnosis, because I know that if this cancer comes back- I will automatically be a Stage 4 Breast Cancer patient.  We all know what comes after Stage 4.

Having just completed almost 2 years of treatments, surgeries, radiation, emotional trauma and everything else- I was definitely not ready to jump back into that boat.  Plus- I just had this feeling that I would be fighting a losing battle.

Just so we are clear...

I am not afraid to die.

I know what's out there for me when I leave this earthly existence.

No more worry,

No more fear,

No more sadness,

No more pain,

No more hatred,

No more drama,

Family and friends who have gone before,

A loving Father and Mother in Heaven ready to welcome me home.

Sounds really wonderful.

But...the mortal me- the one without an eternal perspective- can't stand the thought of leaving my kiddos to be raised without their mommy.

Who would be the "mommy taxi"?

Who would make sure that the dishes get done, the clothes get washed, the bathrooms get cleaned, the dog gets fed, etc., etc., etc.?

Who would smother them with mommy kisses and pinch their cute little behinds?

Who would snuggle with the Love of my Life after a long, hard day?

All of these thoughts and SO many more often plague me.

I can't help it and I really, really hate it.

I have spent a lot of time pondering, praying, fasting, studying, pleading, and begging over the past two weeks for some peace of mind.

I cannot live my life this way- and that is all I want to do- live this beautiful life.  Make this second chance count.  Enjoy every...single...day.

The answers have come very, very slowly.

The peace of mind has come in very small doses and I am not completely there yet.

I have realized a few very important things that have helped me to move forward and function.

*Those spirits who have passed on, help us more than we will ever know.  We miss them terribly.  So much so, that our heart literally aches for the loss of their presence in our lives here.  Sometimes the pain and sorrow is unbearable and we think, "Why is it better that they are not here?  How can this possibly be a good thing?  They were amazing and doing so much good here."

But having said that, I know, that they are close- very close.

And we will never be able know just how close, until we ourselves, are in that spirit world.  Our mortal senses just are not capable of grasping it.

*As human beings, we get stuck on the "endings" of things.

This was one of the things that stuck out to me while listening to General Conference last weekend.

President Uchtdorf gave a wonderful talk that helped bring so much peace to me.

(You can listen/read/watch that here.)

He talked about all of these endings that we sometimes get hung up on- death, the end of a cherished relationship, the end of a job, etc.

But endings is not what life is all about.

These endings are often times the beginning of something even better.

Death?  How could death be something better for those left behind?

I don't think I have a great answer for that, because truth be told- it sucks to be the ones left behind.

It's hard, and we mourn and cry and grieve and wonder how we can ever go on.

But somehow we manage.

Somehow we pull ourselves up by the bootstraps and move forward, and we become better people because we don't want to let those loved ones down.  We want to carry on their legacy of greatness, so we step up to the plate- or sometimes drag ourselves to the plate- but we eventually get there.

*I am not dead yet.

Because I am a planner, one thing that always comes along with a scare is my tendency to start planning things.

I go through these insane scenarios in my mind and start planning my funeral, 

what I need to do to prepare my family for when I am no longer here, 

who would be willing to take them to their lessons,

what places I absolutely need to see with my family before I go.

I do this until my brain literally is so full with all of these things I "have" to do, that I can't even do the things I actually need to do- like LIVE for crying out loud!

LIVE because I am still very much ALIVE!!

Even if I were to find out tomorrow that my cancer has come back- that does not automatically put me in the grave.  Yes, it would be bad.  Yes, it would totally and completely just S-U-C-K.

(Sorry mom, that is now twice I have used that word.)

But I realize now that I would actually be pretty lucky if I found out that my time was limited.

Take, for example, when we found out that my grandpa had 2 months left.

Look at all of the wonderful moments we had in those two months!

There were no regrets- no wishes that we would have said this, or would have done that.  At least for me anyway.  I really feel like it was a blessing to know that he would be leaving soon, because we could make every...moment...count.

So, yes, it would not be cool if my cancer did come back and I realized that my time would be limited.

But, yes, it would be cool that I could throw caution to the wind baby.

I would make sure that we had the best 2 months, or 2 years, or 5 years, or however long it would be.

That doesn't happen for everyone.  That doesn't happen when someone is taken from us suddenly and tragically.  

So, yes, I consider myself pretty lucky that one day I just might find myself faced with a "death sentence".  It makes it that much easier to live each day to the fullest.  To not waste time on silly things that don't matter.  To not be afraid to tell someone that I love them.

Now that I have convinced my heart of all of these things, will someone please tell my brain to get on the same page?