Remember this scene from the Wizard of Oz?
All the scarecrow wanted was to have a brain.
Why if he had a brain he could do anything!
Scarecrow... I feel your pain.
If I only had a brain I could...
*remember what I am supposed to be doing from one minute to the next.
*not have to write down every single thing that someone asks me to do, because if I don't...it's gone...out of my head and off of my radar.
*not walk around the house knowing that I am looking for something, but not remembering what I was looking for (to be fair, that happened before the cancer too)
Now I know that having children and getting older all contribute to the loss of brain cells and memories just get worse. But let's add to that
*8 rounds of chemotherapy poison killing cancer, brain cells and who knows what else.
*having had anesthesia 5 times in the last year...with the promise of having it 2 more times before the year is over.
*having a body and mind that is tired and does not want to cooperate with me some days
It all adds up to the fact that I am not the same woman I used to be.
I never had a perfect memory or anything like that, but I feel like I was dependable and able to complete tasks and be organized. It's frustrating for me to forget things that I feel like I should remember. I don't like the constant feeling that I am forgetting something...even when I am not. My brain still feels like it is in a fog sometimes. I just had a checkup with my Radiation Oncologist and she said, "Sorry to tell you that it's going to take you a good year or more to feel 'normal' again." Which I already knew, but was just assuming that I would be the exception to the rule. I am Superwoman, right Lyndsey? :)
Sadly, I am not Superwoman (and have never claimed to be BTW).
I am just Des: a wife, mommy, daughter, and friend who has fought the great battle against cancer and won.
Now in the aftermath of that battle, I will have to pick myself up and trudge through the casualties...
*my loss of stamina and energy
*my loss of memory and brain function
*my scars, physical and emotional
I can do it, and I will do it.
It just might take me longer than I would like.
PS: So I would just like to apologize right now to anyone that has suffered from my lack of brain cells. I am sorry if I have forgotten to do something or help with something or anything like that. And I am also apologizing for future incidences, because I am sure there will be many. :/
I have always identified with good ol' scarecrow from Wizard of Oz. I have always wanted a brain that could remember things.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that now you take after your mother, I wish you didn't have to go through all you went through to get there. But I do know ONE THING, and that is, we are so truly blessed that your outcome is what it is. We will absoulutly take the loss of brain cells to have you still here with us. ;) Love you!!!
But also in The Wizard of Oz, the Scarecrow was really a lot wiser than he gave himself credit for. He's the one who came up with all the great ideas (just like the Lion was really not so cowardly, and the Tin Man was very loving and kind.) so the message is: you're capable of more than you think you are!
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm sure you accomplish-- and remember-- more than you think you do.
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